What kind of abuse, if any, led to you developing schizoid personality disorder? Do you think you have always been schizoid?
It is pretty much accepted that personality disorders occur because of what has happened to a child before they are five years old. Schizoids are the quintessential invisible child hiding behind a mask.
I won't list all the horrors of my childhood because it's too much for most people's sensitivities. Instead, I will touch on a couple of things that my therapist believes affected me the most.
The first is that my mother rejected me from birth. She had a miscarriage and a stillborn child in the years between my brother's birth and my own, seven years later. My psychiatrist theorized that because of this, she had become unnaturally attached (to the point of obsession) with my brother.
When I was born, she had no interest in me and the only care I received was from my sister who was in her teens. According to my sister, I was left crying, wet and hungry in my crib until she came home from school.
Unfortunately, my sister married when I was five and moved away and my father abandoned us within a week of her leaving. That taught me I could count on no one's promises to be there for me.
I was left alone with my mother and my psychopathic brother. (Not an armchair diagnosis. He was diagnosed with primary psychopathy in prison)
In the years after my father left, my brother subjected me to horrific abuse with my mother's full consent. Not once did she try to stop him. She either told me to “shut up or she would give me something to cry about" or she told me I deserved whatever he did to me.
After years of being starved, locked in closets and beaten senseless, I lost the ability to cry. I also learned to never show any emotion, good or bad, because it would be used against me.
I stopped getting attached to anyone or anything after being taught that if I had a favorite toy, it would be destroyed to punish me. If I loved a pet, it would end up tortured or decapitated in front of me.
So, I learned to read the room, to stay close to people I sensed wouldn't hurt me and far away from those who would. I developed the ability to never lose my sh*t no matter what happened and to never let anyone know if I was in pain.
I read books nonstop, escaping into other worlds through them. I roamed the woods for hours to stay hidden from my brother. I learned I didn't need anyone and being alone was the safest place for me. Solitude is the one thing necessary to my well being.
These adaptations allowed me to survive emotionally. They also made me unable to express love or to let anyone get too close. If someone does manage to get through my defenses, I will intentionally find a way to sabotage the relationship.
My therapist thinks it's amazing I'm not a serial killer as I was able to stab my brother with a fork after he mutilated a cat and I later shot my husband without hesitation but in both cases I felt no anger. I am so cold and distant that he feels I have a form of reactive attachment disorder similar to what was seen in children adopted from Romanian orphanages who weren't held or loved as infants.
I consider myself to be high functioning and have no desire to change my adaptations. I fit in just fine when necessary and can smile on cue with no problems. Most people find me charming and empathetic and they have no idea how difficult social interactions are for me because I wear my mask really well.
Post a Comment